The 25 funniest jokes of all-time

It’s time for the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Scotland’s annual jamboree of quick wit, stinging one-liners – and whatever it is that Jazz Emu does.  

Of course, comedy is subjective. One audience member’s belly-deep guffaw is another’s melancholy, disappointed sigh… but such are the delights of live performance. 
 

To whet the appetite – or give you a heads up of what shows to avoid – 25 Edinburgh-bound comedians share the funniest jokes of all-time. Enjoy!

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                                             Tom Mayhew | CREDIT: Andy Hollingworth

 

Tom Mayhew: I never liked having my school photo taken, because my parents would always buy photos of other children. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: Me and my ex used to roleplay; I'd pretend to be James Bond, and she'd pretend she still loved me. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: Considering how happily Simba sings "I just can't wait to be king", he should be delighted when his Dad died. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: I've dated people of different genders; I don't mind what someone is, as long as they're not a fan of Paddy McGuinness. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: When I was 11, my parents gave me "the talk". They sat me down, and said "don't worry, it won't happen." Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: Mum used to say "we don't talk about money", which is why she banned us from listening to Johnny Cash. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: I used to live my love-life by the old adage "treat 'em mean, keep 'em away." Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: Someone once asked me what my favourite position is, which is difficult as I'm usually a substitute. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: I used to sign on at the JobCentre Plus. Not sure what the plus stands for...presumably, judgement and sadness. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: The other day, Mum said the Lord's Prayer before a ready meal. I'm qutie sure they are proof that God doesn't exist. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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                                                                 Tom Mayhew | CREDIT: Andy Hollingworth

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Tom Mayhew: I liked talking to my Grandad about football; we couldn't talk about much else, as I don't like cars and I'm not a sexist. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets                

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Tom Mayhew: Starmer Starmer Starmer Starmer Starmer Chameleon. He's red and blue. But mainly blue. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: Growing up, we didn't have much. We didn't have nice clothes; fancy cars; self esteem. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: Sometimes people ask me "do you still live at home with your parents?", and I said "yeah, they're still alive". Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: I hate the idea of having a threesome. I can't imagine much worse than taking my clothes off and having two people say "oh, that's a shame". Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: I find it bizarre that some people don't think we should give kids food for free, but they will happily go to the park and feed the ducks. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: When I was younger, I went to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter. I didn't wear a costume; I went as a child who wasn't supported financially or emotionally. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: At a gig recently, someone said "you look like Mark Zuckerberg, if Facebook had failed." Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: People say "money doesn't buy happiness", but it does, it buys antidepressants. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: *a bit of physical comedy that doesn't translate written down* Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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                                                      Tom Mayhew | CREDIT: Andy Hollingworth

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Tom Mayhew: I've never been very cool; the only "in" thing I do is insecurity. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: Marcus Rashford has done a lot of good for kids, as he's helped them get free school meals; but he's done a lot of bad for kids, as they'll grow up as Man United fans. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets

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Tom Mayhew: I loved my ex to pieces - it made him much easier to carry. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: What does Michael Jackson call his denim trousers? His Billie Jeans! What does he call his tracksuit bottoms? His Billie Jeans!...he's not very good at writing jokes. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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Tom Mayhew: I'd be a really bad muggee, because when someone says "give us all your money" they're usually expecting more than £2.50. Tom Mayhew: This Time Next Year, We'll Be Millionaires!, at Three Sisters, Aug 3-27; tickets 

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All of these jokes are written by Tom Mayhew, and are from his previous Edinburgh Fringe shows. He has a whole new show with lots more jokes. There are 25 links to get tickets above.